Monkey Business

I saw a small bit of that scary Australian film Wolf Creek tonight. I saw the full thing in Religion class in fifth year and we all thought it was Bossa, but watching it tonight reminded me of my own spooky tense capturing.

It was a year ago or something around the time of mother's day, and I was going to the shops to buy some stuff to cook dinner for my mom. On the way, I passed by a pharmacy and even though I was listening to music really loud, I heard loads of trouble coming from inside the pharmacy. I think I was listening to the music at like nearly full volume and I could hear all the trouble still like, so I figured it was big big trouble. I still had like 3 hours or something until dinner time so I figure I'd go inside and fuck things up. To my surprise all the hassle was being caused by a chimpanzee (Pan troglodytes) who was violently jumping around the counters and the shelves and throwing things like low sugar lollies and painkillers at customers who were all trying to catch the chimp who was wearing trousers and a t-shirt for whatever reason. I had seen on Bear Grylls that if you the best way to calm down an excitable monkey is to act like a total dickhead as if you're trying to impress them or something. One of the customers was a tired old lady who was just like trying to get away from the monkey but still wanted to buy some medicine so she didn't leave the shop. I figured only a dickhead would choke her with tampons then give her the finger, so I did, and also made fun of some nerd with glasses and stupid hair, then high fived the chimpanzee. This guy was really weird. I'd seen a few monkeys before, like in books and all, but this one was weird. I didn't bother asking him why because I thought I'd probably find out later on, but I asked him his name and he said it was Thomas and I told him mine and we did that thing off Mtv where you like hit each other's knuckles to show that you're mates.
When we got to tesco, the security guard told me I couldn't bring Thomas into the shop, so I put him on my back arguing that if he wasn't touching the ground it was none of his business then I tried hard to intimidate him by smashing a bottle and wielding it like a knife. When the security guard was out of sight I took Thomas off my back, and he picked up a packet of M&Ms a tried to throw one in my mouth. "How fun" I thought and opened my mouth, but then all of sudden he jumped on me and spit a pill in my mouth. "Wtf bro!?" I said "You're lucky this is mother's day or I'd get like really angry and shit" and I let it go. When we were at like the back of the shop, I heard a massive scream, then a gun going crazy. All of a sudden Thomas ran around the corner and hid. I crept down the aisle to have a look and there was four burglars with real mean faces. They shot someone as well so maybe they meant business. I remembered that episode of Macgyver where he had a cold and he was buying stuff in the supermarket and then loads of bandits came in shooting things. He made a pepper spray bomb out of a hot water bottle and some other things, and killed all the bad guys anyway. I was able to get a hot water bottle but I didn't really know what to put in it to make it work as a bomb, so I guessed and put in pepper, Adidas Cold ice fusion deodorant, a Nuts magazine, a lit match and some clothes pegs. I threw in in a trolley, kicked it in the direction of the bad guys, and hid behind a shelf and covered my ears. That's when I remembered that in the Macgyver, he had to stab the bottle to make the stuff spray all over the guy, so I didn't really do anything. Two of the baddies ran up the aisle towards me so I had to think quick. I took out my earphones and put them in my ears, then started playing air guitar. One of them tapped me on the shoulder, and was like "Hey, we're robbers!" and the other was like "What's he listening to?". I darted around and punched one of the guys in the face really fast and he might have died, I'm not sure, then I took the broken bottle out my pocket and cut the other guy up, and I did this all real quiet and laser fast so the other guys so I ran on top of one of the shelves and jumped at the third guy, kicking his head off so that it hit the other guy making him explode. All the customers started clapping because I saved the day and I was really happy.
Then all of sudden my body started to morph! I looked in the mirror and I was turning into a chimpanzee, then behind me I saw Thomas, and he was turning into me! "You sold me out!" I said and he just gave me a real evil smile, took some shopping things, and legged it. "He must be going to cook my mam dinner" I thought to myself. I ran out of the tesco to follow him, only I was arrested outside by the police because they thought I was Thomas and he messed with the pharmacy which is illegal. They cuffed me and put me in the back, and one of them went into the shops to get whatever while the Bheangarda stayed in the driver seat. Off in distance, I saw Thomas getting on a bus with all the stuff he could make dinner for mam with. "I can't let him do this" I thought, "I can't let him take my cool mother's day idea and get all the love for it". I swung my monkey arms under my legs and used the cuffs to choke the Bheangardai. I jumped into the driver's seat and took off at a like 300 miles an hour because gardai cars can do that. Down the road from my house, there was a big lorry blocking the road so I launched a rocket out of the headlights taking out the back wheels, then I ramped up the truck and landed in the house across the road from me. I got out and saw the bus was parked in my driveway. I was too late. I ran around the side entrance and saw Thomas cooking the dinner with my mother. I needed to think fast. I started shouting "WOOooooOOOOooOOooOO" to sound like a big spooky ghost, knowing that my mam wouldn't be terrified and Thomas would have to come outside to calm her down, because Monkey's don't even believe in ghosts because they're stupid. Once he got outside, I was hidden under a bucket. When he got a little closer I jumped up and killed the fuck out him in the face. Then, I turned back into a manboy because the curse was lifted. I walked into the kitchen, finished dinner, then me and mam had the best mother's day ever.

I turned into the monkey because of the pill he spat in my mouth, and I suppose someone did that to him as well but I killed the last monkey so that fixed everything. I also stuffed Thomas with socks and gave him to my mother as a pressie and she delighted.