The branches that don't bend in the wind, are the ones that break.

I was told once, that if you kill a mama bird, you've done a bad thing, but if you at least try to raise the eggs like the bird would, then you've made amends. About two years ago, with this lesson in mind I went on a myth busters crusade and killed a middle aged woman, kidnapped her two children and tried to raise them in my room for about a month. when I got home from school I'd just try to teach them what I did that day but I wouldn't keep it up that long because I had shit to do.
After I got caught, the judge gave me two choices because at the time I was known for being really sound. He said that I could go to jail for a billion billion years or something, or I could become a priest and save people's lives. "Fuck yeah, let's be a priest" I thought and might have said. I had a great laugh doing masses and stuff anyway, and confessions were sometimes boring, but sometimes we got to have some real meaningful chats and I'm still friends with some of the people I confessed with. I left the priesthood when I learned the shocking secret that there is no god, because when the secret got to everyone else I didn't want to look like a lying dick-dick. My fondest memory was when a woman came up to me after a fucking wild mass, showing me her newborn baba. "My baby was born on the 25Th of November in Lourdes! Do you think that makes him the next messiah!??" she asked me. "Definitely" I replied with a wink. That baby turned out to be Barrack Obama so I'm looking OK for now heh heheh hehhe hehh. hehhe.




Being in the priesthood though, definitely made me a magical person. I don't mean that like in a wanky way, I mean it literally. It gave me magic powers. It's hard to explain, like it's not like I can turn things into things on demand, but like if I'm in the right place at the right time I could definitely save the day. Take last week for example. Me and Alice were in town walking in circles around the spire eating dib dabs in town, when all of a sudden a big fuck off Indian Elephant comes darting down the road, tackles a Dublin bus into a building killing loads of everyone, then comes up to us with it's big dickhead and knocks over the spire which blocked the road so the army couldn't get at it. Alice was so scared she fell in a hedge. The elephant punched a hole in a petrol truck and sucked all the petrol up it's thing, and then borrowed a match and ate it. We could all tell what was about to happen next. It started blowing fire like more or less everywhere except me thank goodness. I figured it was time to work some magic, so I closed my eyes and thought of my most happy memory just like when Harry Potter is conjuring his ghost animal. I thought of when me and my team, The Seaview Seabiscuits, won the Shankill under twelves football cup against the Fassoroe Fannies who weren't even from Shankill. I shot out my hand and all of a sudden a giant blast of magic exploded out of my palm and turned the Elephant into wood. I thought this might be kind of hard to believe so I had this picture taken afterwards



It's something to do with the bad light, angle, temperature and pressure I think but what looks like hedges in the back round was actually fire and stuff. The Elephant was bigger as well when he was bezerking. I'm not going to try remember what song I'm playing air guitar to there because I haven't a clue. Something victorious maybe.

I started college finally on Monday. It's been hard to enjoy so far because I have a big five hour gap on Mondays, and all I had to eat today was a Snickers so I was real hungry. All the classes I'm doing seem way easier than last year already. I'm still going to have to work my buttons off though, but I think it's going to be less stressful that last year. The easiest class I'm doing is Introductory Spanish. It's like a baby class, it's so good. We did the Alphabet yesterday and how to say your name and stuff. I think I've got it down. Results are on the 2Nd I've heard. My heart goes mental when I think about. I'm trying to savour my parent's love now, because they're definitely going to want to end me next week.

Alice was going to the Dentist today and I insisted on going along because for some reason I like imagined it would be painfully exciting and non stop laughs. It wasn't, surprisingly, because I just slept out in the waiting room on my own. I don't know where it went wrong.

I was listening to Dizzee Rascal's maths and English when I started writing this post and it's still on so I must have written this post faster than usual.