When we're not Strong.

I can't write any more because I bled on a motherfucker at the blood clinic the other day and they stab your fingertip to get a taste of the blood to make sure it's just right so I can't type with my right ring finger. I'm getting my brother to type the p, l and ;s for now but he'll be gone soon so I asked an old friend to write a little post for me. First let me tell you how I met this guy. Back in the 60s I was working on a steam boat that travelled across the pacific and Atlantic ocean looking for treasure or fishing maybe. I was shovelling coal down in the engine room with all the big furnaces and I wasn't even wearing a tshirt or anything because it was so warm, and the out of fucking no where a big dickhead shark, who was prehistoric judging by the mysterious markings on his belly, jumped up the whatever and then down the stairs into the engine room screaming "I'MA EAT YALL" and sure enough, he bit my arm off and spat it into the oven that's full of fire. "What the shit?" I complained and dived in after after my arm. I tried swimming through the fire after my arm but the heat was too intense even with no tshirt so I called it a day and waited for death to come. But just then, I felt a tug on leg. I was pulled out of the oven and someone through a big bucket of water on me to cool me down. I cleared rubbed my eyes to see that it was Superman who had saved me, and he was holding my arm as well. After I slotted my arm back into place I shook his hand and was all like "Thanks" and he was off and I got back to work. About a week later after the boat had given me the sack for not telling anyone about the shark after superman left which I suppose is a big deal because some people died, I found superman on myspace and we've been on and off friends since. He told me last month that he loved reading blogs and I asked him to write a story for my one so here it is.

Go!

Hi I'm superman. This is a story about when I took a holiday to Japan last year. Only it wasn't actually a holiday, that's just what I told people because I didn't want them to know I was actually on a really dangerous mission. See, ages ago when I was reading beano and dandy annuals(Because comics are for nerds), for shits and giggles, I found they were getting very unentertaining. I went down to the warehouse by the docks to see what was going on and why the writers were losing their focus and found out that the annuals were just a front. The writers were actually making child pornography annuals with slightly racist undertones. I killed most of the people there on the spot, except for the kingpin, let's just call him the bastard, and his tosser henchmen. Overtime I've tracked down and fuckered up the evil henchmen but the bastard has slipped away from me more times that Packie Bonner's planted one in the back of the net for Ireland. I've tracked him down to a seaside town in Japan though, don't ask which one because I honestly can't remember. I left the airport to find seedy seaside bars because that's where you get leads on criminals, but I went to the shop first and got loads of sweets for my hotel room because chocolate bars and all were so cheap there. We're talking like fifty twixs for like €4. After that I went down to the port and found a real dirty bar which is probably where all the smugglers and stuff hung out. It was going to be hard to intimidate answers out of these guys because a fair few were probably packing pokemon seeing as you're allowed to start catching them when you're ten in this country and most of the adults were something old like thirty maybe. I walked through the door of the pub and looked around for the bastard and just my luck, he was there sitting down the back laughing with his friends about racist jokes which I could hear with my superhearing. I hadn't shaved in like a week just because I've been so busy so he didn't recognise me thank fuck. I used my drink order ray at the bar and got a pint so I could have a drink while I thought of what to do. After I finished my pint I jumped up and threw it really hard at the bastard hoping to knock him out but he just jumped up and caught it with a really cool look on his shit face and he said "I knew it was you superman" and now all his friends were jumping up with weapons and stuff. "Shit" I thought "Time for a plan B" and I flew at lightspeed at one of his friends and knocked him out, then put another through the wall with just a flick of my finger, there's five friends by the way. One of them suddenly took out a pokeball and called out a lvl. 52 Electroman which was about to electro get me but I kicked its head off which hit off one of the friends and they both died. But apparently it's bad form to kill pokemon because then the whole bar was going mental and I got thrown out. While outside I saw the bastard and his two remaining friends get into a car and speed off. I can run pretty fast so I ran after them and followed them to a secret cave. I ran in after them down a corridor but a big blue block dropped in front of me. I noticed that it had the mark of the Royal family on it (triforce) so I tried to whistle the song that makes it go away but I couldn't remember it so I just pushed it out of the way because I'm superman. I ran in some more and found a big warehouse room with loads of boxes. I used my x ray vision to look inside and it was more child pornography! I knew I had to put a stop to this right now because cp is sick. The bastard and his two friends jumped out with Aks and started blasting on me. I dived behind a box and took out a pack of dirty playing cards from the box. I jumped out a threw the whole deck shouting "THE HEART OF THE CARDS" like in Yu Gi Oh hoping that at least three had the right speed and trajectory to kill them all. They managed to cut off the two friends heads off but the bastard got away with a graze. He started to run towards his submarine so I needed to act quick. I shot a missile out of my hands that hit him in the legs which blew them off so he couldn't run, class. I ran up and was about to punch his face into strawberry jam but he said "Wait, I'm your brother" but I killed him anyway because that's definitely not true.
Some other highlights of the holiday include pulling birds, meeting a bunch of lads at the museum that happened to be staying at the same hotel, throwing Tony's bed off the balcony onto a police car, getting Tony out of Jail, and buying a malcolm in the middle boxset for real cheap.

Thanks for letting me write in your blog Bryan

No problem Soup.